Clarifying

I wrote my last post about Mother's Day the night before Mother's Day and later after the holiday had passed and my feelings had subsided, I came back and read it.  I think people could misconstrue what I was saying. I thought I would write a follow up post to maybe help clear up my feelings.

Let me say, adoption is the most wonderful thing in the world. I love all 4 of my kids. They are my entire world. I am with them 24/7 and I wouldn't change that for anything. I love staying at home with them and homeschooling and being there with them. Sure, there are moments when I want to scream "Calgon take me away" but I think every mother has those moments. 

Each of my children came to my husband and I under different circumstances. I will not go into those circumstances but I will say they were not all the best of situations. They were all removed from their birth homes for various reasons.  We had a lot of ups and downs during the process of each of the adoptions. Each time when we stood before the judge to finalize one of the adoptions was one of the best days in my life.  You will never ever hear me say these are my adopted kids when I introduce them to people. In fact, there are people who have known me, that had no idea they were adopted simply because I didn't talk about it. Why should I? They are mine! Just because I adopted them doesn't mean they are any less mine.

So all of this brings me back to Mother's Day. I love my kids so much Mother's Day is just a reminder to me that I couldn't protect them from every hurt and pain in life, especially a hurt when they were the most vulnerable, a baby. This is what grieves me. I would do anything if I could have carried them in my womb, keeping all genetics the same, just to protect them from the hurt they were going to experience so early in life.  Yes, I know that isn't possible but it is what kills me inside and mother's day is just a reminder of my inadequacies. All the talk on Mother's Day of how mother's give you life and how mother's do this and that just is a consistent reminder on that day. This is not something I dwell on everyday. Sure occasionally I do think about it on other days but Mother's Day it seems it is thrown in my face all day long. What I do enjoy on that day is being with my kids and just loving them.

One of the best things this Mother's Day was spending part of the day with my two daughters and they put make up on me, fixed my hair, gave me a pedicure and manicure. Now that is priceless.  Nothing could beat that!

I know that might not make much since to everyone but that is how I feel.

Mother's Day

I am a mother to four beautiful children whom I love more than life itself. I would give anything for them and would tackle you to the ground if you messed with them. But I can not stand Mother's Day. I honestly wished the day didn't exist. I love my mother and I love when my kids show me they love me but I cringe at mother's day. I can't stand to have someone say to me Happy Mother's Day. I feel like I don't deserve it. When they say it I grin and bear it and say thank you but inside I am cringing. I hate (and I don't like using the word hate!) going to church on Mother's Day. They will have all the mother's stand up and talk about honoring your mother's and how your mother gave you life and so forth and so forth. It just makes me cringe inside and all I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and crying.

Why do I dislike Mother's day so much you ask? Because I grieve not being able to give birth to my children. I grieve that I have 4 beautiful children who I would give anything in the world to have given birth to but yet I couldn't. Unless you have experience infertility you may not understand.  I grieve not being able to tell my kids the stories of how they grew in my tummy and how I got to feel them kick.
I know someone reading this will say but how can you be so ungrateful to your children's birth mothers. I am not ungrateful. I am very thankful that each of their birth mothers chose to give them life. But something you should understand is that each of my adorable, smart, talented children (no not biased at all!) came to me through very extreme circumstances. If I shared their stories, it would bring tears to your eyes, which is why I grieve not being able to have given birth to them myself to save them the pain they experienced so young in life. My children are my world!! Please do not take away from this blog that I do not love my children or that I wish I had my own biological children instead. That is so far from the truth, my children are mine in ever sense of the word. What I grieve is not being able to personally bring them into this world and save them the hurt they experienced so early in life. I know that genetically it wouldn't be possible to give birth to them and for them to still be who they are but in my twisted up mind, I can dream!
 If you know someone who is trying to conceive or who has adopted, be sensitive to how they might be feeling on Mother's Day.

Life Happens

I hate the phrase Life happens. Don't know why it bugs me so but it does. I can't stand to hear someone say this or that happen and then they end it with but oh well life happens. Sure we all know life happens but its what you do with what happens that makes a difference. Here lately my life has seem to be turned upside down and inside out. I am not one to go and air out my problems to people. I just put on my fake smile and go. It's funny though how people who have no idea about things you are dealing with can say something to give you perspective. Last night, I was talking to a person about some new music I wanted to do and they asked me a question which triggered a whole conversation about something that I have been dealing with. They had no idea and as par for the course, I had my fake smile on through out the conversation and at the end of the conversation they still had no idea. Call it by chance if you will but believe it was God inspired. Thank you God for caring enough about me to show me that one of my upsetting situations is in your hands and it will all work out!!