Clarifying

I wrote my last post about Mother's Day the night before Mother's Day and later after the holiday had passed and my feelings had subsided, I came back and read it.  I think people could misconstrue what I was saying. I thought I would write a follow up post to maybe help clear up my feelings.

Let me say, adoption is the most wonderful thing in the world. I love all 4 of my kids. They are my entire world. I am with them 24/7 and I wouldn't change that for anything. I love staying at home with them and homeschooling and being there with them. Sure, there are moments when I want to scream "Calgon take me away" but I think every mother has those moments. 

Each of my children came to my husband and I under different circumstances. I will not go into those circumstances but I will say they were not all the best of situations. They were all removed from their birth homes for various reasons.  We had a lot of ups and downs during the process of each of the adoptions. Each time when we stood before the judge to finalize one of the adoptions was one of the best days in my life.  You will never ever hear me say these are my adopted kids when I introduce them to people. In fact, there are people who have known me, that had no idea they were adopted simply because I didn't talk about it. Why should I? They are mine! Just because I adopted them doesn't mean they are any less mine.

So all of this brings me back to Mother's Day. I love my kids so much Mother's Day is just a reminder to me that I couldn't protect them from every hurt and pain in life, especially a hurt when they were the most vulnerable, a baby. This is what grieves me. I would do anything if I could have carried them in my womb, keeping all genetics the same, just to protect them from the hurt they were going to experience so early in life.  Yes, I know that isn't possible but it is what kills me inside and mother's day is just a reminder of my inadequacies. All the talk on Mother's Day of how mother's give you life and how mother's do this and that just is a consistent reminder on that day. This is not something I dwell on everyday. Sure occasionally I do think about it on other days but Mother's Day it seems it is thrown in my face all day long. What I do enjoy on that day is being with my kids and just loving them.

One of the best things this Mother's Day was spending part of the day with my two daughters and they put make up on me, fixed my hair, gave me a pedicure and manicure. Now that is priceless.  Nothing could beat that!

I know that might not make much since to everyone but that is how I feel.

Mother's Day

I am a mother to four beautiful children whom I love more than life itself. I would give anything for them and would tackle you to the ground if you messed with them. But I can not stand Mother's Day. I honestly wished the day didn't exist. I love my mother and I love when my kids show me they love me but I cringe at mother's day. I can't stand to have someone say to me Happy Mother's Day. I feel like I don't deserve it. When they say it I grin and bear it and say thank you but inside I am cringing. I hate (and I don't like using the word hate!) going to church on Mother's Day. They will have all the mother's stand up and talk about honoring your mother's and how your mother gave you life and so forth and so forth. It just makes me cringe inside and all I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and crying.

Why do I dislike Mother's day so much you ask? Because I grieve not being able to give birth to my children. I grieve that I have 4 beautiful children who I would give anything in the world to have given birth to but yet I couldn't. Unless you have experience infertility you may not understand.  I grieve not being able to tell my kids the stories of how they grew in my tummy and how I got to feel them kick.
I know someone reading this will say but how can you be so ungrateful to your children's birth mothers. I am not ungrateful. I am very thankful that each of their birth mothers chose to give them life. But something you should understand is that each of my adorable, smart, talented children (no not biased at all!) came to me through very extreme circumstances. If I shared their stories, it would bring tears to your eyes, which is why I grieve not being able to have given birth to them myself to save them the pain they experienced so young in life. My children are my world!! Please do not take away from this blog that I do not love my children or that I wish I had my own biological children instead. That is so far from the truth, my children are mine in ever sense of the word. What I grieve is not being able to personally bring them into this world and save them the hurt they experienced so early in life. I know that genetically it wouldn't be possible to give birth to them and for them to still be who they are but in my twisted up mind, I can dream!
 If you know someone who is trying to conceive or who has adopted, be sensitive to how they might be feeling on Mother's Day.

Life Happens

I hate the phrase Life happens. Don't know why it bugs me so but it does. I can't stand to hear someone say this or that happen and then they end it with but oh well life happens. Sure we all know life happens but its what you do with what happens that makes a difference. Here lately my life has seem to be turned upside down and inside out. I am not one to go and air out my problems to people. I just put on my fake smile and go. It's funny though how people who have no idea about things you are dealing with can say something to give you perspective. Last night, I was talking to a person about some new music I wanted to do and they asked me a question which triggered a whole conversation about something that I have been dealing with. They had no idea and as par for the course, I had my fake smile on through out the conversation and at the end of the conversation they still had no idea. Call it by chance if you will but believe it was God inspired. Thank you God for caring enough about me to show me that one of my upsetting situations is in your hands and it will all work out!!

Sweetest offering

I started this blog a little over a year ago and thought I would use it share things about being a mom and all the things that come with it and I have shared some of that but other times I have shared some things that were heavy on my heart. I haven't posted in a long while for many reasons but the past few months I have felt compelled to post again. After church on Sunday, I thought I have to share this even if no one reads it, I have to put this down in writing.

Sunday at church, we had an awesome service! God really moved. I love services like that where the Holy Spirit comes in and begins to move on people and the whole church service just takes a different route. How awesome is that. Unless you have experienced that you have no idea what I am talking about.
This Sunday, I was standing on the stage with the choir and worship team and we were singing You are Holy by Micheal W. Smith. We got to the part that says You are Lord of Lords, You're the King of King, You're the Mighty God, Lord of Everything, You're Emmanuel, You're the Great I am, You're the Prince of Peace who is the Lamb. I was standing there, my eyes closed worshiping as I sang and I felt it coming, I felt it down in the pit of my stomach, my eyes began to water. I prayed in my head, "O God, have the worship leader sing this again, you are here to move!" Sure enough she felt it too and our worship leader sang that part again and like rain falling from the sky as soon as she started to sing that part of the song again, I felt the power of God hit. It swept from the stage all the way to the back of the sanctuary! The tears began streaming down my face. Most of the worship team standing with me where crying or on the knees worshiping. Our worship leader could hardly sing any more. It swept done to the congregation and people began to flood the altar area.
It was so special to me to have God move so mightily this Sunday. I had just prayed a few days earlier that I longed to see His Spirit move in one of our church services and how I desired to have a special touch from Him. Thank you God for answering my prayers.
I have been in many services where I have seen a mighty move of God. It is always such a wonderful thing. God has given me the ability to sense when He wants to move in a special way. Maybe its from all the years of serving on worship teams and being apart of worship ministries and having to be sensitive to when to end a song or to let it keep going. I love being able to see His Spirit flood over a congregation. Sometimes it moves like a fog engulfing everyone at once and other times it's like a flood gate that has burst open and the rushing water coming in until there is no dry spot left and then yet other times it's like a wave growing in the ocean and when it comes crashing down it spills up over the shore line and rolls back just to do it all over again.

There will be people who read this and say that is just a bunch of emotional people or that we are a bunch of fanatics. You know that's fine, I am a fanatic! A fanatic for God! To those people who think its just a bunch of emotions, I say, your right it is very emotional to be in God's presence. You will never understand what it is to feel the Spirit move unless you have experienced it your self. Words can not describe it, emotions can not describe how it feels, nothing can describe it! It is like nothing I have ever experience in my life.
I was listening to some songs on You tube from one of my new found favorites, Christ for the Nation, and I came upon this song called My Heart Sings Worthy. The chorus of the song really struck me cause that was how I was feeling during the church service. This move of God for me was more just me wanting to be in His presence and worship Him.
The words to the chorus:
And I will be the sweetest offering
And I will be the praise you heart desires
As my heart sings worthy
My heart sings worthy
I've found none other like you

Isn't that beautiful!! How I long to be the sweetest offering to God! To be the praise that His heart desires. WOW!! I could have stayed up on that stage singing praise to God all day long on Sunday just basking in His presence and being the sweetest offering of praise to Him. I challenge you to be the sweetest offering of praise to God today!